May I take your order?

    Gerald sat at a table in the crowded restaurant. After several minutes of waiting, a waiter approached.
    “Sorry for the delay. May I take your order?”
    “No.” Said Gerald, looking fixedly at the waiter. “No, you can’t. You can’t take my order. Do you know what you can do? You can die. You can run into a crowded intersection, and get run over by a car. You can stagger to your feet, not severely injured but seriously shaken. Then the car that hit you can swerve and collide with a gasoline truck, creating a catastrophic explosion. You can catch fire, and run screaming down the street. And then you can stumble onto the land of a local farmer, who mistakes you for a monster and shoots you. Still on fire, you catch several bullets in the lower chest and collapse to the ground. The farmer can extinguish the flames and find you, burnt and unconscious. That farmer can think you are dead, and throw your corpse into the ocean. As you fall, you can wake up, and regain your senses just long enough to see the sharp, jagged rocks below you. Your bloodied cadaver can be eaten up by piranhas or sharks or some other sea creature that happens to be passing by. That’s what you can do!”
    Writing on his notepad, the waiter asked:
    “And to drink?”
    “Milk, please.” Said Gerald.
    “Alright, we’ll bring your order as soon as we can.” The waiter walked away.
    “Thanks.”

Secret Agent Poofah

    Secret Agent Poofah walked stealthily down the corridor. His footsteps were careful and silent as he entered the enormous chamber. Almost no light could be seen.
    In an instant, the chamber was brightly lit.
    Standing on a tall platform was Poofah’s arch-nemesis, Evil Doctor Evil.
    “Well, well, well.” Scoffed Doctor Evil. “It appears as if you have stepped right into my trap, you fool Poofah! Now you can never escape! Hahaha!”
    Poofah considered his options.
    “What if I go out the way I came?”
    “No, don’t! Don’t do that!”
    Amidst Doctor Evil’s evils frustrated curses, Poofah walked out the door, and exited the building.

Law

    Harold and Andy sat down at the coffee shop table.
    “You see,” Began Harold, “I have decided to better my education by studying law at Harvard College.”
    “LAW!” Screamed Andy.
    “...Yes. Law. This is something I’ve been wanting to do for a-”
    “LAW!”
    “As I said before, yes, I am going to study law.”
    “LAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Sang Andy loudly.
    “Please, let me finish. I have been wanting to learn about law for several years now, and I’ve finally fulfilled the necessary requirements in order to do so.”
    “LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
    Everyone in the coffee shop began an exaggerated, ridiculous song and dance number. It involved mimes, birthday cakes, penguins, and a very overweight mailman. Harold laid his head in his hands.
    “Not again....” He groaned.

The Power of Afros

       Edmund was surrounded by the angry mob. The crowd closed in on him, making escape almost unachievable.
    “Your afro is treason!” They shouted. “Surrender to a haircut!”
    “Not my afro! Never will anyone take my afro away from me.” Edmund held his poofy hair in a protective manner.
    A chant began, quiet at first, then loud and intimidating.
    “No more afro! No more afro! No more afro!”
    Desperate and out of options, Edmund did something truly incredible. He concentrated all of his will-power, all of his mental strength and energy, and used his afro to lift into the atmosphere.
    The chant died away as the incredulous mob gazed at Edmund, floating away, soaring into the sky.
    “This will teach the world a lesson.” Projected Edmund. “Afros are power. Nothing compares to their majesty.”
    Applause rang from the people. Realizing their ignorance and intolerance, they were able to appreciate the full beauty of Edmund’s wonderful hair.

Gary

       Gary was eating a sandwich in his living room, when a strange man appeared out of absolutely nowhere.
    “Aha!” Exclaimed the man. “I have done it! Time Travel is possible! And they told me I was crazy. This’ll show them.”
    This man looked familiar. Gary had seen him somewhere before. His top-hat and beard were unmistakable.
    “Hey... Aren’t you-”
    “Abraham Lincoln, yes. Sixteenth President of the United States of America. I have traveled into the future.”
    “Good job.” Said Gary.
    “So, what is the future like?”
    “Pretty good, I guess. Can’t really complain about it.”
    Glancing at his watch, Abraham Lincoln gasped.
    “Oh, dear! I’m almost out of time. Quick, is there anything I should be warned about in my life. Any tragedy I could avoid?”
    “Hmm.” Gary thought for a moment. “Nothing I can remember.”
    “Then I must be going. Goodbye, future man.”
    Abraham Lincoln disappeared.
    It suddenly occurred to Gary that there was something important he needed to tell Mr. Lincoln. But, alas, it was too late.
    Later, Gary was skimming through a certain book of American history that he kept in his library.
    “On April 15, 1865,” The book read. “Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth at the Ford’s Theater... And its your fault, Gary!

NPH

       It was late at night. Ralph the convenience store owner read the newspaper silently. Then the double doors opened, admitting legendary TV, movie, and Broadway actor Neil Patrick Harris.
    “Hi, I’m legendary TV, movie, and Broadway actor Neil Patrick Harris.”
    “Holy Wow!” Said Ralph. “I can’t believe legendary TV, movie, and Broadway actor Neil Patrick Harris is standing right in front of me. I’m amazed!”
    “Well, that’s usually how one feels in the presence of legendary TV, movie, and Broadway actor Neil Patrick Harris.”
    “So, legendary TV, movie, and Broadway actor Neil Patrick Harris, what brings you to this store?”
    “I am here to steal several items. Is that alright?”
    “Anything for you, legendary TV, movie, and Broadway actor Neil Patrick Harris.”
    Neil Patrick Harris grinned, then began filling his pockets with spearmint gum, Funyuns, Ding-Dongs, and butane lighters, among other things. Humming to himself, Ralph started reading the paper again.
    “Thank you!” Neil Patrick Harris said, bowing. 
    Ralph looked up.
    “You are very welcome, very welcome indeed, legendary TV, movie, and Broadway star Neil Patrick Harris.”
    Neil Patrick Harris exited the store.
    “Gee,” Said Ralph. “Legendary TV, movie, and Broadway actor Neil Patrick Harris sure is a nice guy.”

Of Motorcycles and Men

       The Home Depot employee stood minding his own business when suddenly, without warning, he was given an enormous hug from a random person.
    “Hey! What gives!” Exclaimed the employee.
    “I love you!” Said the man, ending the hug. He wore a leather jacket and a pair of ridiculous, exaggerated sunglasses.
    “Why do you love me, exactly?” The worker was very uncomfortable.
    “Because you are going to sell me my motorcycle.”
    “But,” Began the employee. “We don’t even sell motorcycles.”
    “What difference does that make? Today is the day I’m going to buy my motorcycle. And you are going to sell it to me.”
    “How am I supposed to sell it to you if we do not even carry it?”
    “I’ve got plenty of money! Don’t worry about that!” Scoffed the man.
    “Its not a question of money.” Responded the employee. “Why don’t you go to a motorcycle shop or something?”
    “Because this is where I am going to buy my motorcycle.”
    “We don’t have motorcycles!”
    “Go build one then. Or buy one from someone else.”
    “Why don’t you buy one from someone else!”
    “I already told you!” Screamed the man. “This is where I am buying my motorcycle. And you are going to sell it to me.”
    “NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!” The employee sprinted away.
    The man with sunglasses stood still for a moment. Then spotting another worker, his expression brightened.
    “Hey you! I love you!”